This is evil... But funny!
by PessimisticPanther
Summary: ok, if you are a wufei fan, dont reaed this. if you cant handle a little lemons, dont read this. if you cant handle nose bleeds, dont read this, but other wise have fun! muahahahahah!


Ok, this isnt my original fanfic, my bff sent it to me and i changed it. i WAS a strong yoai fic, but not anymore, muahahahahah.  
btw- gundam wing isnt mine =(  
  
  
  
"Dammit, Duo! Roll the freaking dice already!" Wufei scream from  
across the game board.  
"But I can't decide whether I should buy Park Place or not!" Duo  
protested. "Besides, you just want me to roll so you don't have to pay  
Michelle. You're sitting on Vermont Avenue and she owns it."  
Michelle looked at the board. She had been throwing hotels at Quatre,  
who had dozed off ten minutes ago, while waiting for Duo to move his little  
molded-metal top hat. "Hey that's right! You owe me a hundred bucks,  
Wufei."  
Wufei pouted as he threw the money at the gothic tomboy. "I'll get  
you for this, Maxwell."  
Duo waved him off. "Sure, just like the time you "got" me for putting  
toothpaste in your shoes, or gluing your hairbrush to your hand, or the time  
I tricked you into getting in the shower with Heero, or t-peeing Nataku, or  
showing everybody the video of you dancing in your underwear, or-"  
"I'm still waiting for revenge on those things!" the boy said,  
indignantly.  
Duo rolled the dice, finally. He went to jail, where he joined Jessi,  
who had been there for two hours. "Oh, man! Now I'm over here with the  
world's worst Monopoly player. What if her bad luck rubs off on me?"  
"I'm sure it will, later," Michelle commented in her deadpan voice.  
"That probably won't be the only thing, judging from the noise that comes  
from Duo's room every night."  
Jessi raised an eyebrow. "Jealous?"  
"No. Just curious."  
"Come and find out sometime."  
Wufei covered his ears and winced. "I could have done without that."  
Duo smiled coyly. "Always room for one more." He reached over and  
rubbed Jessi's chest, before sliding his hand lower. Wufei ran screaming  
from the room.  
"Where's he going?" a groggy Quatre asked. The screaming Chinese boy  
had awakened him from his nap.  
"To stop his nosebleed," Michelle informed him, with a little smile.  
"What did Duo do this time?" The blonde boy stretched and yawned.  
"Nothing important. You look so cute when you sleep." Michelle's  
voice had softened. she only used that voice with her lover.  
Quatre smiled back sweetly. "Michelle, Love, why are there hotels in  
my hair?"  
Wufei wandered back into the room a few minutes later, wearing clean,  
blood free clothes. "Duo, don't go to sleep tonight," he advised, glaring  
at the braided boy, who was shredding his paper money.  
"Oh, I'm not worried. Jessi will be right there to protect me," Duo  
said, cheerfully.  
"Jessi, make him shut up!" Wufei groaned.  
Jessi grinned wickedly as she leaned over and kissed Duo. She  
surprised her lover, never really having shown any affection publicly. Duo  
leaned into the tender kiss, wrapping his arms around Jessi. Their fingers  
intertwined as the American put one hand in his beloved's, the other one  
still on Jessi's back, slowly working the blue tank top up.  
Quatre and Michelle looked at each other in surprise. An hour  
earlier, Jessi had threatened to impale Duo, gut him, and hang his open  
carcass on a tree for birds to pick at and the neighbors to be sickened by.  
No wonder so many groans and cries of pleasure came from Duo's room. Jessi  
was gentle when they were alone.  
Wufei was on the floor curled into fetal position, yelling his  
disgust. "Somebody please stop them before they have sex right here!"  
Michelle licked her lips as they watched their friends go at each  
other. Jessi was in her bra, and Duo had lost everything except his boxer's  
shorts. "Quatre, is this turning you on, too?"  
Quatre nodded and they started kissing and pawing at each other.  
Wufei, from the floor, bellowed something about possibly losing his  
lunch, if he had eaten any.  
Duo pulled back from Jessi's embrace. "You know, that reminds me, I'm  
hungry!"  
Quatre sat up and grabbed his shirt, which had been flung carelessly  
on the couch. "Me too!"  
Michelle emerged victorious from under the coffee table with a pair of  
boxers and a bra. Wufei looked at them and then turned red. "Those are  
mine! How'd you do that? I didn't feel anything." His nose looked like it  
would go into fountain mode at any time now.  
Michelle blew kisses around the room. "Thank you! Thank you! A  
little trick you learn when your a goth." ((dont ask plz))  
"Can we get back to the issue here! I'm hungry!" Duo wailed.  
"Duo, you're 15 for God's sake! Surely you can fix yourself something  
to eat," Jessi pointed out.  
"Jessi, he did catch the house on fire that morning when he poured his  
own milk into his cereal," Quatre reminded her.  
Jessi shuddered. That had been a freak mishap. "Let's go, I'm kinda  
hungry, too."  
Duo led the way into the kitchen. "I hope Quatre remembered to get  
the stuff I asked for when he went to the store," he sang.  
"I didn't got to the store," Quatre confessed. "I was too busy doing  
the laundry. By the way, Duo, why did you have grass stains on your shirt,  
jeans, and boxers?"  
Duo grinned sheepishly and looked at Jessi, who let out a rare laugh.  
"Michelle, did you go to the store?" the American asked, quickly remembering  
his stomach.  
"No, I was at a club."  
" 'Fei?"  
"I was cleaning the bathroom."  
"Jessi?"  
"I was writing."  
"Well, I went to see Howard about those parts we need to fix the  
Gundams. I guess we have to look around and see what's left."  
"There was only a packet of McDonald's Ketchup, and you ate that  
already," Michelle informed him.  
Duo fell to his knees, "Nooooo! I need food. Isn't there anything  
else?"  
Jessi opened up all the cabinets and looked inside, shaking her head.  
She also examined the inside of the fridge. "All that's in here is about 50  
cans of soda."  
The pilot crawled over to him. "I'm desperate, look behind the pop!"  
"I'm pretty hungry, too. Go ahead and look," Michelle urged.  
"Let's see," Jessi said, sticking her head inside the refrigerator.  
"There's a box of baking soda, another packet of ketchup (at that Duo jumped  
up and down and cheered), and a plate of spaghetti from the night before  
last."  
The others cheered at that, then realized that one plate of spaghetti  
was not going to feed five very hungry teens.  
"How do we decide who gets it?"  
"I don't know. Who made it?"  
"I did!" Duo grabbed the plate, knowing that no living creature would  
want his cooking. He did, after all, put ketchup in the batter when he made  
chocolate cake. You couldn't beat Ketchup!  
"Liar! I made it," Michelle proudly announced. Everyone loved her  
cooking. ((I cook??))  
"I'm the hungriest though, so I should have it!" Duo returned.  
Quatre interjected with, "I'm the smallest."  
Soon it was a free for all.  
"You'd eat anything, go eat your packet of ketchup and leave the food  
for me!"  
"Shut up! You're a weirdo and you don't have any room to talk! You  
look like a girl!"  
"Look at you braid boy!."  
"Leave him alone! Where's your make-up?"  
"This comes from a girl who looks like a freak with all the black  
make-up and all those black clothes."  
"Hey! How dare you say that! I'm not a freak dammit!"  
"I still say I should get it because I'm the smallest!"  
"No, ladies first, we'll give it to Wufei!"  
"Get bent, Spandex Girl!" ((sorry, i couldnt think of anything else  
.))  
"I'll go ask Nataku if I'm worthy enough to do that!"  
"That's a good one Jessi!"  
"You're just siding with him because you're sleeping with him!"  
"We'll, you're sleeping with Quatre!"  
"So!"  
"What does sex have to do with it, although I do enjoy sleeping with  
Michelle."  
"Hey, don't say that word in front of Wufei, his little virgin ears  
can't take it!"  
"How do you know I'm a virgin!"  
"You always wear white, girly-man! Only virgins can do that!"  
"You know, Jung had this theory that the protagonist in every story  
ever written is stereotypical, the most common one being pure, and clean,  
and wearing white. What if we are nothing more than a story, with Wufei as  
one of our stereotypical heroes?"  
Duo's profound thought surprised everyone. Quatre had been holding  
the spaghetti. In amazement, he let his hand drop to his side, causing the  
spaghetti to fall in the floor. Jessi drew attention to this fact. Duo  
cried like a diaper baby, Quatre fainted, and Wufei crossed his arms and  
pouted, because they still thought he looked like a girl.  
"Where are we going to get food now?" Michelle asked absently. "Does  
anyone want to go to the Grocery store?" she was holding Quatre, who she  
had managed to catch before the blonde fell face first into the spilled  
pasta.  
"No, that takes too long," Jessi decided. "We could split the package  
of Ketchup."  
Duo brightened. "Let's order out for pizza!"  
The whole team cheered, except for Quatre, who was just regaining  
consciousness. He turned his head and coughed, a little, red, plastic hotel  
landing on the floor.  
Wufei wrinkled his nose in disgust. "When will you guys grow up?"  
"Stop bitchin'! What do we want on our pizza?" Jessi asked, looking  
at the crew.  
"Pizzas," Michelle corrected. "Duo can eat two by himself, you know."  
"I'm a growing boy!"  
"It doesn't matter," Jessi commented, deadpan, "He works it off  
later."  
Michelle and Quatre burst out laughing, but Wufei had turned virgin  
white, just like his outfit. "You guys are perverts! I'd be better off  
living in a house wall papered with porno magazines!"  
"Male or female?" Duo asked him.  
Wufei was caught off guard. "What?"  
"Male or female porno?" Duo asked again, putting his arms around his  
other three friends. "Cause we swing both ways." He made a raunchy  
movement with his hips. "I approve of the idea. How about you guys?"  
Wufei fainted dead away, landing in the spaghetti. Michelle kicked  
him over so the pilot didn't drowned in tomato sauce. "At least we don't  
have to get anchovies on the pizza now. Hurry up and order while he's out!"  
XXXX  
Wufei awoke and rubbed his eyes. When he looked down at his hands he  
noticed that there was spaghetti sauce all over them. Severely pissed, with  
steam coming out of his ears, he marched to the living room to yell at the  
other teens. He wasn't prepared for what he saw.  
A guy dressed in nothing but a pair of jockey shorts and hat  
advertising a pizza place was sitting in Duo's lap. Duo was chowing down, a  
piece of pizza in one hand, and a caffeine loaded soda in the other. Jessi  
was dancing on the coffee table, inching off her shirt. Michelle and Quatre  
were out of sight, but some strange noises were coming from behind the sofa.  
Occasionally a glimpse of bare skin would pop up over the back of the couch.  
Duo spotted him and raised his drink to his friend. " 'Fei! I've  
found you a special friend. He's got a doctorate in European history, and  
he strips on the weekend. He's even taught Jessi a thing or two."  
Jessi was now slipping off her pants. Wufei's nose erupted like "Old  
Faithful" as he ran screaming out the house, leaving a Wufei shaped hole  
through the wall.  
Quatre jumped up and fetched a tape measure. "Eight and a half feet!"  
he announced, kneeling by the blood that had sprayed on the floor.  
Jessi brought out a thick book with a gold embossed cover. "Eight and  
a half feet," she repeated. "We've only improved by two inches."  
"Damn, I guess we'll have to keep trying! Next time, we'll have him  
going like a lawn sprinkler." Duo laughed.  
"Shouldn't we save him some pizza?" Quatre asked, picking up a slice  
from the last box.  
Jessi and Michelle shook their heads as Duo spoke for them all, "Nah!  
There's still some spaghetti left."  
XXXX  
And now for the moral. Take your pick:  
A. Don't cry over spilt pasta.  
B. Don't play Monopoly with Jessi, she sucks at it.  
C. Sex and spaghetti don't mix.  
D. Being mean has its price (It took Michelle and Duo 3 hours to get  
the bloodstains out of the carpet).  
E. Ketchup, nature's perfect fruit.  
If anyone actually got anything out of this, be proud. You should be  
able to win a scholarship to the Ivy League school of your choice.  



End file.
